Sleep was only in short spurts. It was during all this that the doctors realized that my situation went beyond addiction. They started to dig as they do.
The doctors, having knowledge of past issues, moved me to the regular rooms when I was cleaned from the detox phase. I was in a group with mostly members of the military and made several new friends. I would come to find out later how similar things were between us all in the group. I got a whole new perspective of what they go through and what a sacrifice it truly is to be a part of the military. There were a lot of things growing up that I dealt with and were surrounded by.
I saw and experienced things I want to forget. My personal battle was now complicated by my own childhood experiences of abuse, addiction and mental illness. Growing up was a seemingly endless wave of horrible violations. I started drinking young and was around a lot of the wrong people. My family surrounded me with the stress of addicts and other nefarious people on a day-to-day basis.
The good relationships I had were impossible to keep because my family kept pushing them away. It was an all too comfortable environment within a very bad part of the world. I was left with many regrets and a lot of true friendships wasted. Now all this is not the sole reason for bad decisions I have made in life, but they were definitely affecting my mental state in ways that I did not realize. During the treatment I went through stages of grief, anger, sadness and hopelessness.
I was broken and they were trying to put me together. My mind had been tricked into thinking that the terrible things that had happened to me were somehow OK.
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It was what I was used to. For a long time, I always lived at the extremes mentally — manic and hyper-manic and depressed. What that means is the highs are high and the lows, well very low, and the depression is awful. When I am manic I usually feel great, but I make a lot of impulse decisions and dangerous mistakes.
My ego thrived and my personality changed. I thought I was the best at everything and all my thoughts were the right ones. I was usually an easy person to be around at these manic stages. I would never take pregame naps and my confidence was at its peak. Then the other extreme was depression, which was total hell.
I could not function properly performing basic life skills without a lot of effort. Nothing did. I was always so paranoid in this stage. I felt that everyone was against me and wanted to hurt me. I was constantly angry, irritated and tired. I was physically hurting every day. I barely wanted to play in games. And it was even harder for those around me. My brain was going in all different directions and I could not focus on anything. All these feelings mixed in together were finally all too much. I wanted to die. I could not handle it. I had tried to have this hidden from people around me.
When I had a concussion in Ottawa, the only thing that helped me feel better during that time was to drink. I knew that was not good to do, but it was the only thing that would take away my headaches. No one was aware of my need to drink or to take sleeping pills until I would pass out. I could not stand being alone in my brain at night time. As I said, the doctors dug deep. The views expressed in the contents above are those of our users and do not necessarily reflect the views of MailOnline. Share this article Share. Zara printed blouse Shop it here! Share or comment on this article: Fleur East engaged to boyfriend of nine years Marcel Badiane-Robin e-mail.
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A samurai sent through time fights to return home and save the world. Teenage superheroes strive to prove themselves as members of the Justice League. Regular Show — Stars: J. Quintel, William Salyers, Sam Marin. Austin, Taissa Farmiga. Language: English Spanish French. Production Co: Warner Bros. Runtime: 30 min. Sound Mix: Stereo. Color: Color.